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Natasha Powers - Able to Breathe.

Online Classes

I keep seeing comments all over my classmates' blogs and the discussion board about difficulty people are having with the online class. Whenever I read this stuff I wonder what could make it a smoother process for everyone?

I know when I first went into the Blackboard thingee, I was totally confused. I didn't know what anything was, where anything was, what was correct, etc. I must have played around with it for about an hour before I finally discovered what was actually going on. I just had to click on everything and analyze it all.

One of the reasons I think it is so screwy is because Blackboard is screwy. It really is not a very streamlined system, and it is too easy to get lost or miss something. I heard a rumour that Triton is not going to use Blackboard anymore, which I think would be AWESOME if they used another system.

Another thing is that it is a freshman class and this is most likely most everyone's first online class and no one knows what to expect. I am sure there are some who have decided there is no way in hell they will ever take an online class again. I personally enjoy it. But I am a laptop junkie. And a blog junkie and a writing junkie. :) So I guess it's suitable for me.

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I commented Jasmine Smith's "Trust Issue."

Jobs will only become more and more obsolete

Guess what? More than likely, your job will soon be eliminated. Maybe not necessarily within the time that you are working that job, but in the future, most jobs will be obsolete. Technology is just continuing to grow at an exponential rate and computers are taking over jobs. Here are some of the jobs that, in my opinion, will never become obsolete:

- IT people. All the technology we keep using will always break and need fixing. This is probably the most promising of all future careers.

- ID people. Industrial designers, that is. People are going to keep creating stuff, and are going to keep needing people to help them figure out how to make it.

- Business managers. For some reason, Americans have this weird hierarchy obsession, and there always has to be a boss of a boss of a boss’s boss. That is just a part of business politics that I don’t think is going away anytime soon.

- Celebrities. Come on, you really think people will stop over-caring about what is going on with Britney Spears? No way. It is only going to get worse. And it is very easy to become a celebrity now. Just watch out for the next latest reality TV filming in your local area.

- Psychiatrists. Everyone loves psychiatrists, and everyone wants to be one. They give you legal drugs that make you feel good, and they tell you that all your worries are okay and normal because you are a tortured soul ever since childhood. I think about 45% of the people I have ever met and asked what they are majoring in say psychology. Good thing most everyone in the world is crazy.

- Pharmaceutical people. Maybe I am wrong about this one, but it seems to me that the drug industry has the world by its balls. And people love their drugs. People trust drugs more than they trust doctors – which is why doctors isn’t on this list. This will be the only industry that seems to somehow still run on brain dead human labor in auto-pilot mode.

I think the future is pretty bleak as far as jobs go, and this recession is only the beginning. I think it will be full of humungous businesses and self-employed entrepreneurs. Most people will do work involving technology or human feel-good stuff. There won’t be much that doesn’t involve comfort or convenience. Soon, computers will take all that over. If you don’t have REAL talent, REAL skills (answering phones is not a skill) or REAL strong ideas, you will be swallowed up into the pit of dumb consumers who contribute nothing. This is how humans will need to evolve in order to survive the artificial intelligence era. We will simply need to become more intelligent.

Oddly enough.... the weird dreams continue.

This is strange. This was the worst dream I have had in a long time. But it reminds me of the Marisa Tomei dream. I wonder what is going on in my head???

This dream was seriously terrifying.

I was up on some balcony hanging out with my mom. It was cold and kinda foggy, just like in the Marisa Tomei dream. We were eating some kind of snack chatting about stuff. In my dream, this was our everyday thing that we did all the time. I suppose I had just gotten a brand new Guess watch to go with the new Guess coat I got (in real life I really did get a new Guess coat but not a watch), when suddenly, I got all paralyzed. I couldn't talk or move. I couldn't really think either. I wanted to tell my mom that I was feeling weird, but I couldn't. I didn't panic, instead I felt like I was just thinking and moving much slower. My mom was saying something and I wasn't responding, but she was not concerned. She must have thought I was just being my strange self, or staring into space or something. After a minute or so I was able to finally say really slowly, "I think something is wrong with me..." She then walked all casually over to the balcony railing and confidently said, "Nothing is wrong with you..." I knew she was going to start saying something about her own personal philosophy about why I think something is wrong with me and she hopped up to sit on the edge of the railing. I knew then that she was going to fall. And she did. She fell about 3 stories and I heard her screaming. I saw her crash onto the sidewalk and she was still screaming and crying. I started getting hysterical and knew I didn't have my cell phone on me to call 911. I started running down the stairs to her, but I knew I would need a phone. I grabbed her purse and figured I'd use her phone. I ran all the way down so so so fast, screaming "NO! NO! MOMMY!!" She was laying on the sidewalk, I could see that she couldn't breathe. I dug through her phone and told her I was going to call 911, but I didn't see her phone in her purse. I told her I was going to go get the phone in the house, but she just looked at me, not breathing, and hugged me. I said "No no no my mommy-mom no! I love you!"

That was it. It reminded me of how I was unable to save Marisa Tomei in that dream before.

This is the saddest dream ever.

Hiiii....

School is starting to get more difficult and busy and so is work. My brain is just learning to death and feels like mush. I am super busy. And I am starting to get sick. I think it may be the weather because a lot of people in my math class seemed out of it today too. Not sure if it is the weather or the busy-ness. I don't even feel like I have any creative energy in me this week. Thank goodness I am going to Petoskey this weekend. It will be great to have such a break. 4 freakin days!!!!! WOO HOO!!!! I don't even know what to write about. I am eating chicken noodle soup because I feel sick. I am very tired and drained. It hurts my brain to try and think nonsense right now. This is Jenny's brain on overdrive. I got a new coat and I really like my new laptop. I think I may have to write another blog post if I want to get any kind of decent grade for it. This sucks. So, any questions?

Have a nice day.

Strange dream

I had a very odd dream last night. It was actually a series of dreams. In the first part, I had some kind of date with my dad. He was going to take me to this really awesome restaurant, which my grandma also recommended after talking with her in the dream. Then Dad and I were going to some kind of show. This is weird because my dad and I never do this sort of thing. EVER! I was really excited about it and I was kind of acting like a little kid about it. I got all dressed up. When he arrived I said, “Daddy!” He was wearing a really really REALLY weird outfit. Jeans, AND a JEAN SKIRT, AND some kind of white dress that was kind of manly, but had some sort of macramé or crocheted fringe, and a black sweatshirt over it. I looked at his outfit and thought, because of the white dress part, that my dad is becoming closer to God. (weird) And also that he must be considering this a special occasion. He wasn’t dressed like a woman, it just came off to me as some - maybe traditional or somehow cultural - masculine formal garb. Either way, it was all very unlike my dad. So we left and drove in the car down the highway. I looked out the car and in the lane coming the opposite direction, I saw a green SUV (that looked a lot like our old family SUV from when I was younger) lose control and flip over upside-down. I said, “WOW! Did you see that?!” Dad didn’t seem surprised or impressed. At some point, we got out of the car and started walking down the highway with a bunch of other people. I guess this was just the way to the restaurant. On the way, some blond young guy was asking people for a light for a cigarette. He was being rather rude about it, and the guys in front of us ignored him. My dad handed him a lighter, but the guy shook his head and ordered him to light it for him. He did, and I said to the guy, “No please?” The guys in front said, “Yeah really, no please or thank you, nothing!” We then walked through an underpass where there were a bunch of African American street vendors. Most of them were selling jewelry, with their sets sprawled out on a towel on the ground. One girl, whose set was off to the side, was crying an spewing apologies to what appeared to be a dead body laying in front of her. I was startled and thought her friend had just died and she needed help. But I realized it was only a doll, not a dead body, and I thought the doll must represent a friend of hers that died some time ago, and she was sorry to her that she wasn’t able to sell any of their jewelry. There were 2 other girls with a set more up front, more accessible to the herd of people walking. I thought, now that is where that crying girl should move her set. But then I wondered if any of them ever sell anything at all.

Weird! I am, for once, kind of unsure what it means! Any thoughts?

Why you don't have to make a career out of your life's purpose

People seem to be obsessed with the idea of having a "dream job", having a fulfilling and rewarding career or doing the work they love for a living. There has been some debate on this topic. I, for one, am an avid follower of Steve Pavlina's blog, which focuses on personal development but talks in great deal about finding your life's purpose and refusing to work a job. While I do agree that the corporate work world is pretty much a life-sucking machine created to develop brain-dead slaves or greedy liars, I do not believe avoiding working a job is the ultimate solution.

First of all, okay, yes we really do need people to take out our trash and clean our toilets. It is argued that if everyone found their life's purpose, there would be no one to do such things. Sometimes I believe this is not true, there are people out there who are perfectly happy janitors and trash collectors. In fact, I know this is true. However, I still ask myself, but are they really living their purpose?

And, does everyone really have a purpose anyway? A career purpose, that is. I know a lady, whom shall remain nameless, who is near 50 years old now and is completely content living a simple life working a simple desk job. She never questions whether she wants more out of life, or "if it all means something," or if she is meant for something bigger and better, etc. I try really hard to analyze the events of her life and figure out what her purpose might be. What her grand lesson or goal may be. I truly cannot think of any career that might suit her any better than her simple desk job. Perhaps her grand plan is to live modestly. So I believe there are those who do not have a career path for their life purpose at all.

I have chosen to go into the Human Resources field because I think the dishonesty and cutting corners in business is a problem. In Human Resources, I can be a part of the solution. I can help people enjoy their jobs and help managers work better with their employees and create an entire team looking out for the best of their company. Maybe if there were more companies like this, people wouldn't hate their jobs so much. While some may say this sounds like a life's purpose job, this is not my life's purpose.

My life's purpose is to write. I know this because I have known it my entire life. Writing is in my blood. It is the essential language of my soul. I understand the world through words, and through words the world understands me. On paper, I am a magnificent force with a powerful message. Without paper, I am just a little hen. However, there is no way on Earth I could be a writer as a career. It would completely kill my creativity. I cannot deal with that kind of pressure or deadlines to force out my creativity. I need room and time and space to perfect my work. It has already taken me 12 years to just come up with the idea and outline of my first book.

For me, I make a hobby out of my life's purpose. My career is simply something I feel strongly about. Artists constantly fall into the trap of becoming a "starving artist" because they insist on making a career of their life's purpose. This is only discouraging to your craft. This puts too much pressure on your creativity, and wears at your self esteem. There are many things that artists can do to make a living besides create art, and they can still create their art on the side! It will be much more enjoyable. This doesn't only include artists, it includes any profession that one might feel they would LOVE to do as a career, but can't for one reason or another. Like they would have to travel, or they don't have enough time, money, patience, support; or their spouse or family would disapprove, or they have kids. It doesn't have to be one simple formula of career = purpose. Make it something that suits you better. Perhaps... happiness = (career + √personal values ) + (purpose + creativity)

Happy calculating! :)

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I have also commented Jasmine Smith's blog, New Kid on the Block - http://jasminesmith18.blogspot.com/2009/08/new-kid-on-block.html

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I have commented on Shay's blog about Relationships - http://smharris23.blogspot.com/2009/08/relationships-and-self-image.html

People are still whining that rock is dead?

This entry is in reference to the sample blog in our reading assignment entitled, "Rock... What Happened?"

I’m getting really tired of people whining that rock is dead and new music sucks. This is not the only blog or article or even verbal discussion I have come across on such topic. People of all ages complain about it all the time. While I agree that current mainstream music does lack true talent, it doesn’t mean that people in general don’t appreciate musical talent anymore. And on top of that, I really wish they’d stop crying about it and just accept it; music changes with the times like all other forms of art.

There are several reasons for this “tragedy” in the music industry. First and foremost, rock is not dead. Rock is just not getting record deals because recording companies are only contracting so-called-artists who merely involve themselves in mainstream music and whose image can be sold on a cereal box for the one huge target audience that buys anything that’s sparkley, brooding to the extreme, or “hot” – teenagers. The music industry is no longer about music. The real shame is not that rock is dead, it is that rock is struggling so hard to be heard, but probably never will. Not because they lack talent, but because they lack bling or bad attitudes to bleat over-used lyrics about.

On my second point, of course rock is phased out. It has run its course, just like baroque, classical, jazz, blues, ragtime, doo-wop and disco. Music has evolved with the rest of the world and has become more electronic and experimental, along with our phones, TV’s, visual art, writing and newcasting. Things get born and then they die out. Even music and art.

Hoping for homework... WHAT?!

Back to school again after 10 years, for real this time. Seriously, I mean it! This is my ... hmmm... 4th (I think?) attempt at returning to school. All other attempts failed due to overwhelming myself or lack of funds before said funds were due 2 weeks after class began. It's funny now to look back on my journey of attempting to return to school. Let's have a look...

Backtrack 10 years. Once I turned 18, fresh out of high school, I was most definitely "ready" to go back to school. Everyone said financial aid was a breeze, so I didn't even think about worrying about that. Everyone wanted me to go to study art or advertising or fiction writing, to enhance my inborn abilities. But no, in 1998 I was fascinated with the rave scene and electronic music. I was going to Columbia to study electronic music production and no one could change my mind. I applied, got accepted, even went to the orientation. Then something happened. I don't even know what happened actually. I think I probably went to a rave, or maybe 3, and just totally forgot about it.

Then around 2001 when I was severely struggling to find work, thanks to the market crash of September 11th, it was time to give it a try again. This time though, I was charmed by the commercials for the International Academy of Merchandising and Design. My new fascination was fashion design. How I loved to coordinate odd patters and textures together and throw together strange outfits no one would dream of wearing. Yes, the fashion world was for me. I went to IAMD and they convinced me to enroll immediately, instead of waiting until the next semester. "Don't worry about saving your money, you can get financial aid. It's a breeze!" So 2 weeks later, I was in school. One teacher asked us to write a paper about our favorite designer and why. She said that if we didn't know about other designers and their work, then the fashion world is not for us. So considering I thought other fashion designers were snotty weirdos, I stopped going. I would've had to anyway because I couldn't get financial aid in time, contrary to what I was promised.

2 years later, and finally starting to grow up, I decide it's time I get serious about going to school. I thought, I am going to work full time and go back to school full time too. Not a minute of my time shall be wasted! No messing with financial aid either. I am saving the money myself and paying for it on my own. I did some research and decided on Northeastern Illinois University. I was going for my Bachelor's in business. I always liked my dad's stories about his business consulting, so I decided that is what I would do. So I began. I especially loved my linguistics class. A few weeks into the semester, tuition was due. I was too short. I didn't even think of asking for a small extension, I just gave up.

Since then, the thought of trying to go to school just scared the hell out of me. Too many "what if's." But the most terrifying what-if of all was, "What if I can't do all the HOMEWORK?" I wondered if this was actually the underlying subconscious blocker all along. When I went to study fashion, I found myself overburdened with so much homework. And all I wanted to do was go out and party. I had no idea how on Earth I would get it all done. Same story when I started at Northeastern. I made all kinds of other excuses why I quit, which also happened to be true, but my real fear was homework.

Homework was my academic downfall my entire life. I think I must have completed about 15% of homework assinments in my lifetime. I would always do it if it was a writing assignment, because I love writing. Anything else would just sit in my book bag, if it even got that far at all. It was, in truth, the REAL reason that I have a GED now instead of a high school diploma.

It has now been 6 years since I last attempted to go to school. I know this time is for real. I know because I chose a school I can easily afford on my own. I chose to go part-time. And after a decade of brooding over what I want to do with my life, I chose to go into human resources management. I want to help businesses improve by helping employees enjoy their jobs more. This combines several of the fields I wanted to go into throughout the years, including management consulting, counseling, and motivational speaking. So HRM it is! The funny thing is, now that I am an old geiser, ;) and I don't like partying anymore, all I want to do is come home and read and write stuff. So I come home now and hope for homework. HA! Me, of all people, actually WANTING to do homework. Is this for real? Am I dreaming? I guess not, because here I am right now, doing my first homework assignment.

Ciao for now, peeps! See ya on the flipside, homeslice, and all that fun punch.

I just totally figured out the Marisa Tomei Dream…

Update - This post is about a dream I had. I was wearing my black flece trench coat and walking alone on a crisp, cold, very still and silent night. It was snowing very lightly, the snowflakes like tiny down feathers fluttering from the sky. A soft blanket of twinkling snow covered the ground and reminded me of that fake snow-foam they wrap around the bottom of Christmas trees. I came to a large uncovered bridge that crossed over a river. I approached the railing and looked over the river. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. It literally took my breath. The river was lined with old-fashioned street lamps glowing gold. The river was filled almost to the top, almost overflowing. A hazy fog settled over the surface of the river. The river was incredibly still. It wasn't iced over, but I knew it was partially frozen. I was stunned at the awesomeness of it. Just then, I saw to my right, Marisa Tomei, dressed in an angel suit, stumbling around drunken down some stairs leading to the bridge. I saw that she was approaching a very small gap in the railing towards the edge of the river. Don't fall in, I thought. But she kept laughing and stumbling even closer to it, and just as I thought, she fell in. SHIT!! I ran over to save her. I was totally irritated. Why did she do that? It almost seemed like she did it on purpose. I grabbed her and pulled her out of the river. It was so cold, I figured she HAD to be dead. There was no way she could be saved. I had no blanket. The water was slushy. She just laid there and I just stood there over her, pissed at her, thinking, WTF?!

Just when I think I have everything all good and under control. Just when I am at peace and proud of where I am and what I have become, there is still that crazy ass, out of control, out of touch, whimsy, whiney, fake, weird, silly, naïve, vain wacked out girl inside me that is going to somehow manage to drown herself in my emotions. Even though I had it all protected and blocked off, she managed to stumble her way into the tiniest little crevice and get herself hurt. For what? For my attention. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew she was going to fall in and she did. And then she consumed my attention.

I wish I could re-dream it. I wish I could have saved her and built the railing all the way to the end so she can never fall in again. I wish I had a blanket to wrap her up in. I wish I had revived her so I could tell her that it is all ok and I am sorry I didn’t catch her before she fell in. But I just gave up. I took one look at her and gave up. I didn’t even try. It was too cold. She would have died instantly from the shock. I was pissed. Fuckin bitch!! Why the fuck did you have to go and be such a dumb ass drunk stumbling around right by the fucking edge and fall in!? you fucking idiot!! I wanted to just let her die. I was tired of dealing with her. But she didn't die. She is a part of me. She is still alive, lying there cold and partially drowned. And I am still standing over her pissed at her about it.

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Your lower self will slither all around and do whatever it takes to get noticed and occupy your attention. It will find its way in. You have to control it. You have to guard it from taking you over. You can't kill it. It will never go away.

Being Alone

I’ve come to the realization that I am deathly afraid of being alone. I like to say I love being alone and I need tons of me-time, but this is a façade. In reality, I can’t stand being alone with my thoughts. Actually, I just can’t stand being with my thoughts. This is why I need to keep myself so busy doing activities that makes me feel good about myself. Why I need constant praise and attention. Why I obsessively-compulsively check my email. Why I need to talk on the phone while I drive. Why I hate sitting in a desk all day at work. I guess the things I do to prevent being left alone with my thoughts are not destructive, so that is good. I hate to clean because cleaning leaves me alone with my thoughts, and cleaning brings back such horrible thoughts into my head.

There is so much I have been denying for so long. I deny that I am still hurting. I deny that there is still so much work to be done. I deny that I berate myself. I have just been trying to fake it til I make it. There is always a wall I hit that says, “Face it, you will NEVER make it!” I am too scatterbrained, too unorganized, too unfocused, too emotional, too wishy washy. And most of all, I don’t believe in myself. I don’t TRULY believe in myself. I always need others to lift me up. And I push them away by constantly putting them in situations where I am fishing for their praise.

What the hell have I been doing?

Beddy-bye time for little baby Henny

With your inner child comes the good and the bad, and you still love it regardless. Embrace the free spirited playful joyous passion your inner child gives you, but disregard her worries and fears. It is juvenile thinking and will only block you from moving forward. Separate your inner child’s fears and worries from your own logical adult fears and worries. Learn to tell the difference and learn to ignore the cries of your inner child. Put her in her crib. She will still cry and you will still have to hear it. But know it is unimportant BECAUSE... She isn’t physically alive. ;) And her concerns are survival-based. Trust that her cries will soon go away. DO NOT go check up on her, you will only wake her up. Don't even go near her door until you know she is definitely sound asleep.

Ugh, hangovers are just not worth it!

Sometimes my little cute birdy Ernie McCheeps bites me a little and I get scared of him for awhile. Thats what seems to be happening in my relationship with alcohol. Only, Ernie stops biting when I ignore it. But alcohol still bites every fucking time. Even if I only have a couple. Just not worth it any more it seems. It doesn't even taste good and I don't even like the feeling of being drunk. UGH! I hate it!!! So I guess this is about the age that people begin coming to terms with binge drinking. But I wouldn't even call it that anymore cuz I can barely handle any more than 2 drinks a night. Maybe I should just start drinking wine coolers again. HA!

Why I love Radiohead so much

Here is a little excerpt from my journal about Radiohead for those of you who will not be witnessing my speech on Thursday. If you are, you can still read this if you want or you can wait :)

“It’s Radiohead time again! Radiohead dreams. Radiohead skies. Radiohead sidewalks. Radiohead waters and eyes. When its Radiohead time, its like seeing an ominous wall cloud with a tornado forming. So much anticipation of how what you see before you will change you or affect you. Radiohead is needed in my life. Radiohead is my protector. It lets me be what I am, no matter what it is. nothing is too weird.

Radiohead helps me remember that, though I may feel like an alien, I am not the only one. Radiohead is the sound of what it would be like if everyone wished they could feel like they were aliens. The greatness of being so different and knowing. The beauty that is built from being cast off. Radiohead says, its ok. Be that. In fact, it’s the awesomest thing anyone could ever do.

And that you will not always succeed either. You will not always get it perfect. People will not always understand you. But if you give it your all, people will notice you and respect you for dishing out something no one ever expected. And if you allow yourself to shine, you are the brightest star of your kind. Let go and be whatever the weft of the world weaves you into. You hold a unique vivid light that no one else can possibly comprehend how to create. You can be just what the people need to get into that crevice they have been searching for.

Lego my Ego

I hate having this problem. But even more, I hate admitting I have it. At the same time, I am glad I can recognize it and admit it to myself. I have an ego inflation problem. I don't know if it is due to my upbringing or genetics, or just the way I am. But I sometimes get into this thing where I start to feel like I am better than others or more important than others. Like I know better than others. I start to care less about others and become more self-absorbed. It seems to happen when I am accomplishing my goals. When I am doing well.

The worst part is, I don't really know what is true. I don't know if I should say, Shame on me for thinking this way, of course I am no better than anyone else, who am I to tell people how to go about things? On the other hand, I feel like I have been blessed with a gift, an understanding of certain knowledge that I MUST MUST MUST deliver, and I have also been blessed with the talent to deliver it.

But maybe I am just being delusional?

It isn't that I think I deserve to be treated better than anyone else, but I do feel like I am wiser or something. But I feel like it is offensive for me to say this. I would never expect any better treatment than anyone else because of it. But I DO feel I need to make my own rules in life and people are just going to have to respect them if they are going to be in my life. I think one of those rules is that sometimes I need to have tons of self time. Sometimes I fall off the face of the planet. Anyone who has known me a long time has seen this. They also know that I am very much into this "ME" project. Sometimes I talk like I think I am some kind of prophet or something.

I think this is what my dad was feeling back in the day when he used to preach his new religion to people. But TELLING people they are on the wrong path and they need to follow the one he is on is not the way to go about it. What he should have done is SHOW them the path he is on and what it is done for him, and encourage others to find the path they resonate with as he does with that one. BUT I also don't think that is what he believes to be true. At least not at that time.

Growing up?

I had a dream last night I was trying to get on a plane for work and no one at the airport could tell me how much a ticket would cost. They seemed to think it was unimportant to tell me because I was just a kid. And I yelled, "I can hear you, I am not a kid I am nearly 30 years old!"

So much is on my mind lately. There is so much I am so close to doing. I can focus. But how much can I focus on it? I feel like some other areas of my life may need to suffer. For example, friends and leisure. I feel like I don't have time for this anymore. I don't have time to just hang out, especially if drinking is involved. I can't even enjoy it anymore. My mind is always somewhere else. I can't seem to enjoy regular old casual conversation. I am simply not interested in talking about a lot of the things people typically talk about. Maybe I am being pretentious, but I think it is more just that my mind is wanting to focus only on these certain things and that is all.

I could benefit from disciplining my mind a little better. There is nothing wrong with discussing normal everyday things. I can discuss the things I am working on with others. Some may not care, but some will. I am still battling this concern for what others think about what I am doing and whether or not they believe in me. What about how much I care about what THEY are working on? I find myself always wanting to push people to follow their dreams, but they usually have excuses. Is it my place to tell them to stop making excuses and reach for what they want? If not me, who will? Why can't I be that person? So what if they don't like it? At least it will get them to think about it. I am afraid to make this part of my persona. It is innately who I am. I know I pushed it away a long time ago because I was pushing people away. I found people didn't like to be told they are not doing a good job and getting what they want out of life. But you know what? If it pushes them away, I simply don't talk about it that much to them. Or I can tone it down. I can learn to read when people want to talk about it.

Also, I can feel less guilty about how I spend my social and leisure time if I set certain times per day to work and focus on those things. That way I won't feel like I am wasting precious time on useless matters. Those things are important. It is good to have friends and leisure. I can still try to get some "me" time in the morning. That is easy because Matt is still sleeping. I wonder if I would get up at 5am just to do some writing and speech practice. I can start at 6 and work my way to earlier I suppose...

So am I growing up? Well of course. Everyone always is all the time. It happens, and it is a good thing. Out with the old, in with the new. People think of wrinkles as old, but when they happen they are actually new. A new mark of wisdom and experience and character. So my stomach can't handle getting obliterated on weekends anymore. So I don't feel like talking about stupid nonsense anymore. So I don't like to hear people whine about how they can't get what they want. This is just me becoming more me.

Goldstar journal / We dare not even dream of it at all...

Why do we always think of reasons we can't have what we want? As kids, we always think of why we CAN and SHOULD have what we want. But we are always told NO. Usually because somebody else says so and that is simply it. How many times do you tell yourself NO for some senseless reason? It's too dark or cold outside. It costs money. It's too outrageous. Too risky. Too dangerous. Too crazy. Too childish. Not realistic. So what. Not realistic is wanting to be a mermaid or live in space and breathe space air. If anyone in this universe is doing what you would love to do, or even potentially CAN, you can too.

Me, I 'd love to go around all day to coffee shops, parks, train stations, stores etc. and think and write and consult and advise and analyze and communicate. Sometimes I'd weave too. And probably do other stuff too and write about it and talk about it.

It's so close now. I feel like I am already there. Maybe I am. Just because I am not making money with it yet doesn't mean I'm not doing it. I am coming out and owning what I am and what I want and I am doing it. It's not a secret anymore.

Changing it all around again

I officially declare this blog an archive of my favorite blogs from my journals from history, paper and electronic. More and more entries will be coming in over time, but will be listed by date. You can search by date, title, or key word. We will see what comes of it from that point on. Happy reading!

My only obstacle is fear.

I know I said this would not be a journal-like blog, but what can I say. I feel like writing and I can't come up with anything to write except a journal-like entry. I have come to a couple conclusions about my writing, speaking, work and goals and stuff. I am trying to let go of everything I try to MAKE it, and let it all jsut be what it is. That is very vague, I know. But I want to see what just comes from me naturally instead of trying to make myself to something naturally. Because, then it wouldn't really be natural. It is kind of hard to draw the line though, between letting it flow naturally and not doing anything at all. Somehow, my mind is exploding again with ideas. I want to focus on Toastmasters, but my brain is telling me its overwhelming and unrealistic. I am beginning to think that just about anything I try to set my mind to is going to seem overwhelming and unrealistic. After all, I was trained to believe that I will never amount to anything. UNLESS, I analyze constantly and finally come up with a solution to my problems. If I don't do that and follow it, I am only headed for disaster. I need to stop this type of thinking.

First, I CAN focus. on anything I want.

Second, I CAN accomplish it. and it is not really even that hard. I just have to focus.

Third, baby steps.

Fourth, I need to own my dream. I cannot be ashamed of it. Why am I ashamed of it? Because it seems like such a super far-fetched reality. Because I don't want to be like Tony Robbins, and I don't want people to think of that when I tell them my dream. I want people to believe in me and I am afraid I will only be laughed at or discouraged. I know I believe in myself, so I keep it to myself. But if I only keep it to myself, my dream will only come true in my own mind.

The thought of announcing myself as an aspiring motivational speaker is terrifying. I don't know why its so important for me to have people to be just as enthusiastic about my goals as I am. I feel like I should change the name of it to something more like "insightful guide", but that sounds pretty lame too. i seem to have this ongoing shamefulness about my interest in the self help world. Probably because the reason I got into it in the first place was because I was told that something was wrong with me that needed to be fixed.

The weird thing is, when I picture myself as totally successful at this, it seems very realistic and I would be very happy doing it. And the path to getting there doesnt even seem that hard or long. My only obstacle is fear. A Mount Everest of fear. And doubt. And weird mysterious shame that doesn't make sense. It's just because of the image of self-help and motivational speaking. In all honesty, I don't really want to be a motivational speaker. What I have to speak about is not about motivation. I don't want to really urge people to action. I want to envoke amazing realizations in people. I want them to think for themselves and live their own dreams because they thought of it themselves. And all I do is tell them they CAN think of it. I merely remind them that they are capable of it.

First I have to own it. I want to be a speaker and a writer. Backtrack for a moment..... I thought about one detail, my shame with self-help. People love to make fun of or think negatively about self-help. What the hell is wrong with self help? Why not? The world of psychiatry these days is a load of crap. Its all about medication and talking about your sorry ass past. And who on earth seriously feels totally sane and great and confident their whole entire lives? If everyone that didn't feel totally 100% all the time went to a shrink, half the world's population would be a shrink because we would all need one. Why self help? Because it is an inexpensive and more sensitive alternative to developing your psyche the way you want it to develop. Why do people love to hate self help? Because they hate the thought of admitting to themselves that they might need "help". To a majority of people, admitting you need help means admitting you are crazy or sick or weak. Most people do not want to do that. But in reality, self-help is not that at all. Self-help is for those who realize they can be stronger, bolder, happier, more efficient, make more difference whatever. They know they can always do better, they can always continue to learn and grow. It isn't easy to just have such amazing realizations on your own. At times, many normal people ask such vague and meaningful questions as, why am I here? What is this life all about? Am I really happy? That is where it begins. It doesn't mean you are crazy. It just means you want more, you want answers, you want experience. You don't want vanilla all your life, you want a freakin chocolate covered strawberry cheesecake. And who wouldn't?! So, why self help? Cuz shrinks suck. And the only path to real satisfaction is by diving in deep and finding out what it is you really really want so you can HAVE it.

Paying Attention

This is my first real article / post on this blog. My intention for this blog is to provide a resource for people seeking more out of life. That super cliche statement.... More accurately, for people who want to know what the hell happened to their life. Or to the world. How on earth did things end up the way they did? Where did I go wrong? For people who keep asking questions and expect to get answers. Good answers.

This site is about paying attention. In my world, which I seem to have enjoyed referring to as Openyourize, I have come to learn that paying attention is the first key step to getting answers. I have lived on Planet Openyourize for half my life and have found many answers. If you do not know me personally, my posts might seem somewhat unorthodox. I like to use a lot of analogies and symbolism, however in very simple forms. I do this to make things easier to understand, not to show off my vivid abstract imagination. For example, of course I do not live on such unknown planet as "Openyourize", I am just trying to be fun. :)

I have blogged journal-style entries for ages. There are tons of them all over the net. You might find some, you might not. This site is not a journal-style blog. It is a posting of everything I have learned in my years of searching for answers.