I can't continue to be ashamed that all I ever write about is myself. I write what I write. And I also can't continue to be ashamed of the content of my thoughts. I am introspective. I am not afraid to go into the depths of my mind that most people don't even care to admit exist. I am not afraid to shed light on what I find or share it with others. I think everyone could use a little guidance in navigating through their thoughts and feelings.
SO! I am officially declaring the identity of this blog: Leading by introspective example.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
30 day trial - Starting after lunch
I always whine that I can'f focus on anything and I am so easily distracted. But maybe its because I surround myself with distractions. It's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy - give myself distractions and I can always make the excuse that I can't focus.
So starting after lunch today, I am going to try the following challenge: No phone, no e-mail, no facebook during work or homework.
Most people would probably think, well yeah, DUH! No wonder you can't concentrate if you're playing with all that stuff when you're supposed to be working. Right? I know. I don't know why I think I am some exception to the rule. For some reason, I kept telling myself that I need these distractions in order to be productive. It wasn't until recently that I caught myself and said, seriously, what the HELL kind of logic is THAT?!
It is going to be REALLY hard at first. Again, it is about my personal value to others. If I am feeling a sense that I am not valuable to others, then I need to have these distractions around to fish for a way to be of value somewhere. I feel paralyzed without a sense of value. I am going to have to learn that my current focus is on the baby steps to REAL value. Not just artificial value that I feel when I find someone to give advice to or have a good conversation with.
I am never going to satisfy my need to feel valuable externally. I need to be of value to myself, by focusing on working on the building blocks for my future.
Wish me luck! But only during lunch break or when my homework is done. ;)
So starting after lunch today, I am going to try the following challenge: No phone, no e-mail, no facebook during work or homework.
Most people would probably think, well yeah, DUH! No wonder you can't concentrate if you're playing with all that stuff when you're supposed to be working. Right? I know. I don't know why I think I am some exception to the rule. For some reason, I kept telling myself that I need these distractions in order to be productive. It wasn't until recently that I caught myself and said, seriously, what the HELL kind of logic is THAT?!
It is going to be REALLY hard at first. Again, it is about my personal value to others. If I am feeling a sense that I am not valuable to others, then I need to have these distractions around to fish for a way to be of value somewhere. I feel paralyzed without a sense of value. I am going to have to learn that my current focus is on the baby steps to REAL value. Not just artificial value that I feel when I find someone to give advice to or have a good conversation with.
I am never going to satisfy my need to feel valuable externally. I need to be of value to myself, by focusing on working on the building blocks for my future.
Wish me luck! But only during lunch break or when my homework is done. ;)
Friday, August 20, 2010
365 day blog challenge?
Thanks, Kim Randall. I think your blog serves a different purpose than mine, but I still appreciate the gift of the idea of a 365 day blog challenge.
I have pretty much totally stopped journaling in my paper journal. Not sure if its an avoidance or a boredom or that I prefer writing for an audience. However, after 15+ years of journaling and nearly 10 years of blogging, I still struggle to find my writing voice and purpose. This blog is still a mish mosh of weird thoughts, rants, and uh... well I don't know. But I want to know.
Anyone who knows me well knows the story of my so very lofty tornado journal experiment - the one that I wrote in and never read until it was complete. I did this in order to practice some form of dedication and self control (it was difficult for me to resist the urge to read what I had just written). It took me a year to complete and it did indeed teach me the lessons I hoped to learn from it. Very interesting. I think my favorite part was that it was a writing challenge.
I am a writer, god damn it. I have to quit denying it. It is the one and only thing I know for a fact about myself. I don't know in what way shape or form I am a writer though.
So, if I truly am going to blog for 365 days...... actually, I don't know if I can or should. I have to think about it. I sometimes have a tendency or temptation to write things that I shouldn't post publicly. ..... but maybe that is what kind of writer I am?
.... taking votes...
I have pretty much totally stopped journaling in my paper journal. Not sure if its an avoidance or a boredom or that I prefer writing for an audience. However, after 15+ years of journaling and nearly 10 years of blogging, I still struggle to find my writing voice and purpose. This blog is still a mish mosh of weird thoughts, rants, and uh... well I don't know. But I want to know.
Anyone who knows me well knows the story of my so very lofty tornado journal experiment - the one that I wrote in and never read until it was complete. I did this in order to practice some form of dedication and self control (it was difficult for me to resist the urge to read what I had just written). It took me a year to complete and it did indeed teach me the lessons I hoped to learn from it. Very interesting. I think my favorite part was that it was a writing challenge.
I am a writer, god damn it. I have to quit denying it. It is the one and only thing I know for a fact about myself. I don't know in what way shape or form I am a writer though.
So, if I truly am going to blog for 365 days...... actually, I don't know if I can or should. I have to think about it. I sometimes have a tendency or temptation to write things that I shouldn't post publicly. ..... but maybe that is what kind of writer I am?
.... taking votes...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Spite
Spite seeps through me sometimes. I see it now and then at peculiar times, at people who don't deserve it, and for no actual reason. Usually something I made up in my own head. I get mad at people for doing something they never even did. My imagination just runs wild.
Luckily I usually catch it before it escapes my mouth or arms.
It's because I do not feel I am of any value to them. And I get angry at them for it. I see it more like, they are not recognizing how valuable I am to them. I get angry at them for that. IF I EVER GET ANGRY WITH YOU, ITS IS MOST LIKELY BECAUSE I AM AFRAID YOU DO NOT RECOGNIZE MY VALUE!!
It isn't their fault though. Not in the least bit. The reality is, I am afraid to express my value. No wonder people don't recognize it. I am like a dollar bill claiming to be a hundred, but people still can only get a small coffee with me.
It's funny how natural habits fall back into place when you don't carefully watch over them. I recently found myself actually convincing people that I was not worth their time, when they were trying to convince me that I was. I guess self-worth is kind of like a sand castle. You can build it, and then you're done and its awesome. But over time, waves crash over it, wind carries the sand away, layer by layer, until it is just a high lump in the ground. It continuously needs to be restored. It's hard work and you can't rely on other people to come tell you that your sand castle is (or was) awesome to keep it up. That won't happen. And getting mad at them for not noticing your lump of a sand castle doesn't get you anywhere either.
Luckily I usually catch it before it escapes my mouth or arms.
It's because I do not feel I am of any value to them. And I get angry at them for it. I see it more like, they are not recognizing how valuable I am to them. I get angry at them for that. IF I EVER GET ANGRY WITH YOU, ITS IS MOST LIKELY BECAUSE I AM AFRAID YOU DO NOT RECOGNIZE MY VALUE!!
It isn't their fault though. Not in the least bit. The reality is, I am afraid to express my value. No wonder people don't recognize it. I am like a dollar bill claiming to be a hundred, but people still can only get a small coffee with me.
It's funny how natural habits fall back into place when you don't carefully watch over them. I recently found myself actually convincing people that I was not worth their time, when they were trying to convince me that I was. I guess self-worth is kind of like a sand castle. You can build it, and then you're done and its awesome. But over time, waves crash over it, wind carries the sand away, layer by layer, until it is just a high lump in the ground. It continuously needs to be restored. It's hard work and you can't rely on other people to come tell you that your sand castle is (or was) awesome to keep it up. That won't happen. And getting mad at them for not noticing your lump of a sand castle doesn't get you anywhere either.
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