I just totally figured out the Marisa Tomei Dream…

Update - This post is about a dream I had. I was wearing my black flece trench coat and walking alone on a crisp, cold, very still and silent night. It was snowing very lightly, the snowflakes like tiny down feathers fluttering from the sky. A soft blanket of twinkling snow covered the ground and reminded me of that fake snow-foam they wrap around the bottom of Christmas trees. I came to a large uncovered bridge that crossed over a river. I approached the railing and looked over the river. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. It literally took my breath. The river was lined with old-fashioned street lamps glowing gold. The river was filled almost to the top, almost overflowing. A hazy fog settled over the surface of the river. The river was incredibly still. It wasn't iced over, but I knew it was partially frozen. I was stunned at the awesomeness of it. Just then, I saw to my right, Marisa Tomei, dressed in an angel suit, stumbling around drunken down some stairs leading to the bridge. I saw that she was approaching a very small gap in the railing towards the edge of the river. Don't fall in, I thought. But she kept laughing and stumbling even closer to it, and just as I thought, she fell in. SHIT!! I ran over to save her. I was totally irritated. Why did she do that? It almost seemed like she did it on purpose. I grabbed her and pulled her out of the river. It was so cold, I figured she HAD to be dead. There was no way she could be saved. I had no blanket. The water was slushy. She just laid there and I just stood there over her, pissed at her, thinking, WTF?!

Just when I think I have everything all good and under control. Just when I am at peace and proud of where I am and what I have become, there is still that crazy ass, out of control, out of touch, whimsy, whiney, fake, weird, silly, naïve, vain wacked out girl inside me that is going to somehow manage to drown herself in my emotions. Even though I had it all protected and blocked off, she managed to stumble her way into the tiniest little crevice and get herself hurt. For what? For my attention. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew she was going to fall in and she did. And then she consumed my attention.

I wish I could re-dream it. I wish I could have saved her and built the railing all the way to the end so she can never fall in again. I wish I had a blanket to wrap her up in. I wish I had revived her so I could tell her that it is all ok and I am sorry I didn’t catch her before she fell in. But I just gave up. I took one look at her and gave up. I didn’t even try. It was too cold. She would have died instantly from the shock. I was pissed. Fuckin bitch!! Why the fuck did you have to go and be such a dumb ass drunk stumbling around right by the fucking edge and fall in!? you fucking idiot!! I wanted to just let her die. I was tired of dealing with her. But she didn't die. She is a part of me. She is still alive, lying there cold and partially drowned. And I am still standing over her pissed at her about it.

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Your lower self will slither all around and do whatever it takes to get noticed and occupy your attention. It will find its way in. You have to control it. You have to guard it from taking you over. You can't kill it. It will never go away.

Being Alone

I’ve come to the realization that I am deathly afraid of being alone. I like to say I love being alone and I need tons of me-time, but this is a façade. In reality, I can’t stand being alone with my thoughts. Actually, I just can’t stand being with my thoughts. This is why I need to keep myself so busy doing activities that makes me feel good about myself. Why I need constant praise and attention. Why I obsessively-compulsively check my email. Why I need to talk on the phone while I drive. Why I hate sitting in a desk all day at work. I guess the things I do to prevent being left alone with my thoughts are not destructive, so that is good. I hate to clean because cleaning leaves me alone with my thoughts, and cleaning brings back such horrible thoughts into my head.

There is so much I have been denying for so long. I deny that I am still hurting. I deny that there is still so much work to be done. I deny that I berate myself. I have just been trying to fake it til I make it. There is always a wall I hit that says, “Face it, you will NEVER make it!” I am too scatterbrained, too unorganized, too unfocused, too emotional, too wishy washy. And most of all, I don’t believe in myself. I don’t TRULY believe in myself. I always need others to lift me up. And I push them away by constantly putting them in situations where I am fishing for their praise.

What the hell have I been doing?

Beddy-bye time for little baby Henny

With your inner child comes the good and the bad, and you still love it regardless. Embrace the free spirited playful joyous passion your inner child gives you, but disregard her worries and fears. It is juvenile thinking and will only block you from moving forward. Separate your inner child’s fears and worries from your own logical adult fears and worries. Learn to tell the difference and learn to ignore the cries of your inner child. Put her in her crib. She will still cry and you will still have to hear it. But know it is unimportant BECAUSE... She isn’t physically alive. ;) And her concerns are survival-based. Trust that her cries will soon go away. DO NOT go check up on her, you will only wake her up. Don't even go near her door until you know she is definitely sound asleep.

Ugh, hangovers are just not worth it!

Sometimes my little cute birdy Ernie McCheeps bites me a little and I get scared of him for awhile. Thats what seems to be happening in my relationship with alcohol. Only, Ernie stops biting when I ignore it. But alcohol still bites every fucking time. Even if I only have a couple. Just not worth it any more it seems. It doesn't even taste good and I don't even like the feeling of being drunk. UGH! I hate it!!! So I guess this is about the age that people begin coming to terms with binge drinking. But I wouldn't even call it that anymore cuz I can barely handle any more than 2 drinks a night. Maybe I should just start drinking wine coolers again. HA!