Growing up?

I had a dream last night I was trying to get on a plane for work and no one at the airport could tell me how much a ticket would cost. They seemed to think it was unimportant to tell me because I was just a kid. And I yelled, "I can hear you, I am not a kid I am nearly 30 years old!"

So much is on my mind lately. There is so much I am so close to doing. I can focus. But how much can I focus on it? I feel like some other areas of my life may need to suffer. For example, friends and leisure. I feel like I don't have time for this anymore. I don't have time to just hang out, especially if drinking is involved. I can't even enjoy it anymore. My mind is always somewhere else. I can't seem to enjoy regular old casual conversation. I am simply not interested in talking about a lot of the things people typically talk about. Maybe I am being pretentious, but I think it is more just that my mind is wanting to focus only on these certain things and that is all.

I could benefit from disciplining my mind a little better. There is nothing wrong with discussing normal everyday things. I can discuss the things I am working on with others. Some may not care, but some will. I am still battling this concern for what others think about what I am doing and whether or not they believe in me. What about how much I care about what THEY are working on? I find myself always wanting to push people to follow their dreams, but they usually have excuses. Is it my place to tell them to stop making excuses and reach for what they want? If not me, who will? Why can't I be that person? So what if they don't like it? At least it will get them to think about it. I am afraid to make this part of my persona. It is innately who I am. I know I pushed it away a long time ago because I was pushing people away. I found people didn't like to be told they are not doing a good job and getting what they want out of life. But you know what? If it pushes them away, I simply don't talk about it that much to them. Or I can tone it down. I can learn to read when people want to talk about it.

Also, I can feel less guilty about how I spend my social and leisure time if I set certain times per day to work and focus on those things. That way I won't feel like I am wasting precious time on useless matters. Those things are important. It is good to have friends and leisure. I can still try to get some "me" time in the morning. That is easy because Matt is still sleeping. I wonder if I would get up at 5am just to do some writing and speech practice. I can start at 6 and work my way to earlier I suppose...

So am I growing up? Well of course. Everyone always is all the time. It happens, and it is a good thing. Out with the old, in with the new. People think of wrinkles as old, but when they happen they are actually new. A new mark of wisdom and experience and character. So my stomach can't handle getting obliterated on weekends anymore. So I don't feel like talking about stupid nonsense anymore. So I don't like to hear people whine about how they can't get what they want. This is just me becoming more me.