Gotta make it happen

When I get home, I have to find time to be creative. I absoluely have to devote time to it, and I must produce real stuff. No more of this producing a zillion half-complete projects shit. I have about 100 or so half-complete awesome ideas laying around, but half-complete, they are worth nothing. Not even sentimental value.

I have inner obstacles I need to face. I know why I can't find time. Actually, finding time is not my real problem. The real problem is completing things. I can't complete stuff because of my expectations, and the expectations that I assume others have of me. I have a plan of what to do with everything. I know exactly what I have to do, how to do it, how long it will take, how much it will cost and where the money will come from. I really love to say I am too busy. But I am really just too afraid.

"Don't be afraid, Jen, you can do it!" I know, I know. Thanks for the pep talk. That doesn't seem to get through my thick and stubborn skull.

In reality, at the very depths of my heart, I am afraid that I will find that being creative will not gain me any more love. I think, when it comes to love and acceptance, being liked and respected, I will never get enough. I wonder if that is how it is for everyone. That is what I ultimately want and what I have always longed for. For the longest time, I sought it out in the form of a romantic partner. Now I have found one that totally fulfills me with tons of love and respect, in a way I could ave never imagined. And I still feel I need more. I feel I will not be satisfied until every person in the world knows me and loves me and adores me. And I seem to think I can achieve that by weaving scarves? Writing novels? Drawing pictures? No matter what I do, I will always have those who love me and those who don't. In fact, the more there are that love me, the more there will ultimately be that don't. I have a hope and fear of fame.

Everything I do is frantically seeking love and acceptance. It makes me crazy. A year or so ago I decided to accept that I will never fully attain the amount of love that I seek. It is impossible.

What would I want to do with my life if no one ever noticed or cared?

weave draw and write still, just because I love doing them. I suppose.

Vacation Coming

Using this blog for my class last semester totally killed my desire to blog here. Oh well, here I am again. I have had tond of ideas to blog about, but just didn't feel like doing it.

In a week I will be on vacation for 10 days and I am taking my fantabulous little laptop with me everywhere I please. I cannot wait. I keep thinking, when I am in San Francisco, exploring on my own while Matt is expo-ing, I am gonna do this and that and think about this and try to find people to talk to about that, etc... Screw it all. I just want to do whatever I feel like doing at the moment. I do hope though, that I decide I feel like working on my book.

My book is so at the tip of my tongue right now!! Its current state is that of a downloading movie, almost finished, but has already started playing. Soon, it will be fully downloaded into my brain and thoroughly ready to present itself through my hand and onto a written surface for people's eyes to piece together the words and plant into the screens of their imaginations. It is going to be great. I know this because I did not even think of it. It came to me from the sky. Its like its asking me to write it. And this message of a story has chosen me because it represents my perception of myself. Therefore, I understand it best. It is kind of for that reason that I fear my story is unoriginal. It just feels too comfortable and normal to me.