Spite

Spite seeps through me sometimes. I see it now and then at peculiar times, at people who don't deserve it, and for no actual reason. Usually something I made up in my own head. I get mad at people for doing something they never even did. My imagination just runs wild.

Luckily I usually catch it before it escapes my mouth or arms.

It's because I do not feel I am of any value to them. And I get angry at them for it. I see it more like, they are not recognizing how valuable I am to them. I get angry at them for that. IF I EVER GET ANGRY WITH YOU, ITS IS MOST LIKELY BECAUSE I AM AFRAID YOU DO NOT RECOGNIZE MY VALUE!!

It isn't their fault though. Not in the least bit. The reality is, I am afraid to express my value. No wonder people don't recognize it. I am like a dollar bill claiming to be a hundred, but people still can only get a small coffee with me.

It's funny how natural habits fall back into place when you don't carefully watch over them. I recently found myself actually convincing people that I was not worth their time, when they were trying to convince me that I was. I guess self-worth is kind of like a sand castle. You can build it, and then you're done and its awesome. But over time, waves crash over it, wind carries the sand away, layer by layer, until it is just a high lump in the ground. It continuously needs to be restored. It's hard work and you can't rely on other people to come tell you that your sand castle is (or was) awesome to keep it up. That won't happen. And getting mad at them for not noticing your lump of a sand castle doesn't get you anywhere either.