People are still whining that rock is dead?

This entry is in reference to the sample blog in our reading assignment entitled, "Rock... What Happened?"

I’m getting really tired of people whining that rock is dead and new music sucks. This is not the only blog or article or even verbal discussion I have come across on such topic. People of all ages complain about it all the time. While I agree that current mainstream music does lack true talent, it doesn’t mean that people in general don’t appreciate musical talent anymore. And on top of that, I really wish they’d stop crying about it and just accept it; music changes with the times like all other forms of art.

There are several reasons for this “tragedy” in the music industry. First and foremost, rock is not dead. Rock is just not getting record deals because recording companies are only contracting so-called-artists who merely involve themselves in mainstream music and whose image can be sold on a cereal box for the one huge target audience that buys anything that’s sparkley, brooding to the extreme, or “hot” – teenagers. The music industry is no longer about music. The real shame is not that rock is dead, it is that rock is struggling so hard to be heard, but probably never will. Not because they lack talent, but because they lack bling or bad attitudes to bleat over-used lyrics about.

On my second point, of course rock is phased out. It has run its course, just like baroque, classical, jazz, blues, ragtime, doo-wop and disco. Music has evolved with the rest of the world and has become more electronic and experimental, along with our phones, TV’s, visual art, writing and newcasting. Things get born and then they die out. Even music and art.

Hoping for homework... WHAT?!

Back to school again after 10 years, for real this time. Seriously, I mean it! This is my ... hmmm... 4th (I think?) attempt at returning to school. All other attempts failed due to overwhelming myself or lack of funds before said funds were due 2 weeks after class began. It's funny now to look back on my journey of attempting to return to school. Let's have a look...

Backtrack 10 years. Once I turned 18, fresh out of high school, I was most definitely "ready" to go back to school. Everyone said financial aid was a breeze, so I didn't even think about worrying about that. Everyone wanted me to go to study art or advertising or fiction writing, to enhance my inborn abilities. But no, in 1998 I was fascinated with the rave scene and electronic music. I was going to Columbia to study electronic music production and no one could change my mind. I applied, got accepted, even went to the orientation. Then something happened. I don't even know what happened actually. I think I probably went to a rave, or maybe 3, and just totally forgot about it.

Then around 2001 when I was severely struggling to find work, thanks to the market crash of September 11th, it was time to give it a try again. This time though, I was charmed by the commercials for the International Academy of Merchandising and Design. My new fascination was fashion design. How I loved to coordinate odd patters and textures together and throw together strange outfits no one would dream of wearing. Yes, the fashion world was for me. I went to IAMD and they convinced me to enroll immediately, instead of waiting until the next semester. "Don't worry about saving your money, you can get financial aid. It's a breeze!" So 2 weeks later, I was in school. One teacher asked us to write a paper about our favorite designer and why. She said that if we didn't know about other designers and their work, then the fashion world is not for us. So considering I thought other fashion designers were snotty weirdos, I stopped going. I would've had to anyway because I couldn't get financial aid in time, contrary to what I was promised.

2 years later, and finally starting to grow up, I decide it's time I get serious about going to school. I thought, I am going to work full time and go back to school full time too. Not a minute of my time shall be wasted! No messing with financial aid either. I am saving the money myself and paying for it on my own. I did some research and decided on Northeastern Illinois University. I was going for my Bachelor's in business. I always liked my dad's stories about his business consulting, so I decided that is what I would do. So I began. I especially loved my linguistics class. A few weeks into the semester, tuition was due. I was too short. I didn't even think of asking for a small extension, I just gave up.

Since then, the thought of trying to go to school just scared the hell out of me. Too many "what if's." But the most terrifying what-if of all was, "What if I can't do all the HOMEWORK?" I wondered if this was actually the underlying subconscious blocker all along. When I went to study fashion, I found myself overburdened with so much homework. And all I wanted to do was go out and party. I had no idea how on Earth I would get it all done. Same story when I started at Northeastern. I made all kinds of other excuses why I quit, which also happened to be true, but my real fear was homework.

Homework was my academic downfall my entire life. I think I must have completed about 15% of homework assinments in my lifetime. I would always do it if it was a writing assignment, because I love writing. Anything else would just sit in my book bag, if it even got that far at all. It was, in truth, the REAL reason that I have a GED now instead of a high school diploma.

It has now been 6 years since I last attempted to go to school. I know this time is for real. I know because I chose a school I can easily afford on my own. I chose to go part-time. And after a decade of brooding over what I want to do with my life, I chose to go into human resources management. I want to help businesses improve by helping employees enjoy their jobs more. This combines several of the fields I wanted to go into throughout the years, including management consulting, counseling, and motivational speaking. So HRM it is! The funny thing is, now that I am an old geiser, ;) and I don't like partying anymore, all I want to do is come home and read and write stuff. So I come home now and hope for homework. HA! Me, of all people, actually WANTING to do homework. Is this for real? Am I dreaming? I guess not, because here I am right now, doing my first homework assignment.

Ciao for now, peeps! See ya on the flipside, homeslice, and all that fun punch.

I just totally figured out the Marisa Tomei Dream…

Update - This post is about a dream I had. I was wearing my black flece trench coat and walking alone on a crisp, cold, very still and silent night. It was snowing very lightly, the snowflakes like tiny down feathers fluttering from the sky. A soft blanket of twinkling snow covered the ground and reminded me of that fake snow-foam they wrap around the bottom of Christmas trees. I came to a large uncovered bridge that crossed over a river. I approached the railing and looked over the river. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. It literally took my breath. The river was lined with old-fashioned street lamps glowing gold. The river was filled almost to the top, almost overflowing. A hazy fog settled over the surface of the river. The river was incredibly still. It wasn't iced over, but I knew it was partially frozen. I was stunned at the awesomeness of it. Just then, I saw to my right, Marisa Tomei, dressed in an angel suit, stumbling around drunken down some stairs leading to the bridge. I saw that she was approaching a very small gap in the railing towards the edge of the river. Don't fall in, I thought. But she kept laughing and stumbling even closer to it, and just as I thought, she fell in. SHIT!! I ran over to save her. I was totally irritated. Why did she do that? It almost seemed like she did it on purpose. I grabbed her and pulled her out of the river. It was so cold, I figured she HAD to be dead. There was no way she could be saved. I had no blanket. The water was slushy. She just laid there and I just stood there over her, pissed at her, thinking, WTF?!

Just when I think I have everything all good and under control. Just when I am at peace and proud of where I am and what I have become, there is still that crazy ass, out of control, out of touch, whimsy, whiney, fake, weird, silly, naïve, vain wacked out girl inside me that is going to somehow manage to drown herself in my emotions. Even though I had it all protected and blocked off, she managed to stumble her way into the tiniest little crevice and get herself hurt. For what? For my attention. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew she was going to fall in and she did. And then she consumed my attention.

I wish I could re-dream it. I wish I could have saved her and built the railing all the way to the end so she can never fall in again. I wish I had a blanket to wrap her up in. I wish I had revived her so I could tell her that it is all ok and I am sorry I didn’t catch her before she fell in. But I just gave up. I took one look at her and gave up. I didn’t even try. It was too cold. She would have died instantly from the shock. I was pissed. Fuckin bitch!! Why the fuck did you have to go and be such a dumb ass drunk stumbling around right by the fucking edge and fall in!? you fucking idiot!! I wanted to just let her die. I was tired of dealing with her. But she didn't die. She is a part of me. She is still alive, lying there cold and partially drowned. And I am still standing over her pissed at her about it.

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Your lower self will slither all around and do whatever it takes to get noticed and occupy your attention. It will find its way in. You have to control it. You have to guard it from taking you over. You can't kill it. It will never go away.

Being Alone

I’ve come to the realization that I am deathly afraid of being alone. I like to say I love being alone and I need tons of me-time, but this is a façade. In reality, I can’t stand being alone with my thoughts. Actually, I just can’t stand being with my thoughts. This is why I need to keep myself so busy doing activities that makes me feel good about myself. Why I need constant praise and attention. Why I obsessively-compulsively check my email. Why I need to talk on the phone while I drive. Why I hate sitting in a desk all day at work. I guess the things I do to prevent being left alone with my thoughts are not destructive, so that is good. I hate to clean because cleaning leaves me alone with my thoughts, and cleaning brings back such horrible thoughts into my head.

There is so much I have been denying for so long. I deny that I am still hurting. I deny that there is still so much work to be done. I deny that I berate myself. I have just been trying to fake it til I make it. There is always a wall I hit that says, “Face it, you will NEVER make it!” I am too scatterbrained, too unorganized, too unfocused, too emotional, too wishy washy. And most of all, I don’t believe in myself. I don’t TRULY believe in myself. I always need others to lift me up. And I push them away by constantly putting them in situations where I am fishing for their praise.

What the hell have I been doing?

Beddy-bye time for little baby Henny

With your inner child comes the good and the bad, and you still love it regardless. Embrace the free spirited playful joyous passion your inner child gives you, but disregard her worries and fears. It is juvenile thinking and will only block you from moving forward. Separate your inner child’s fears and worries from your own logical adult fears and worries. Learn to tell the difference and learn to ignore the cries of your inner child. Put her in her crib. She will still cry and you will still have to hear it. But know it is unimportant BECAUSE... She isn’t physically alive. ;) And her concerns are survival-based. Trust that her cries will soon go away. DO NOT go check up on her, you will only wake her up. Don't even go near her door until you know she is definitely sound asleep.

Ugh, hangovers are just not worth it!

Sometimes my little cute birdy Ernie McCheeps bites me a little and I get scared of him for awhile. Thats what seems to be happening in my relationship with alcohol. Only, Ernie stops biting when I ignore it. But alcohol still bites every fucking time. Even if I only have a couple. Just not worth it any more it seems. It doesn't even taste good and I don't even like the feeling of being drunk. UGH! I hate it!!! So I guess this is about the age that people begin coming to terms with binge drinking. But I wouldn't even call it that anymore cuz I can barely handle any more than 2 drinks a night. Maybe I should just start drinking wine coolers again. HA!

Why I love Radiohead so much

Here is a little excerpt from my journal about Radiohead for those of you who will not be witnessing my speech on Thursday. If you are, you can still read this if you want or you can wait :)

“It’s Radiohead time again! Radiohead dreams. Radiohead skies. Radiohead sidewalks. Radiohead waters and eyes. When its Radiohead time, its like seeing an ominous wall cloud with a tornado forming. So much anticipation of how what you see before you will change you or affect you. Radiohead is needed in my life. Radiohead is my protector. It lets me be what I am, no matter what it is. nothing is too weird.

Radiohead helps me remember that, though I may feel like an alien, I am not the only one. Radiohead is the sound of what it would be like if everyone wished they could feel like they were aliens. The greatness of being so different and knowing. The beauty that is built from being cast off. Radiohead says, its ok. Be that. In fact, it’s the awesomest thing anyone could ever do.

And that you will not always succeed either. You will not always get it perfect. People will not always understand you. But if you give it your all, people will notice you and respect you for dishing out something no one ever expected. And if you allow yourself to shine, you are the brightest star of your kind. Let go and be whatever the weft of the world weaves you into. You hold a unique vivid light that no one else can possibly comprehend how to create. You can be just what the people need to get into that crevice they have been searching for.