Update - This post is about a dream I had. I was wearing my black flece trench coat and walking alone on a crisp, cold, very still and silent night. It was snowing very lightly, the snowflakes like tiny down feathers fluttering from the sky. A soft blanket of twinkling snow covered the ground and reminded me of that fake snow-foam they wrap around the bottom of Christmas trees. I came to a large uncovered bridge that crossed over a river. I approached the railing and looked over the river. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. It literally took my breath. The river was lined with old-fashioned street lamps glowing gold. The river was filled almost to the top, almost overflowing. A hazy fog settled over the surface of the river. The river was incredibly still. It wasn't iced over, but I knew it was partially frozen. I was stunned at the awesomeness of it. Just then, I saw to my right, Marisa Tomei, dressed in an angel suit, stumbling around drunken down some stairs leading to the bridge. I saw that she was approaching a very small gap in the railing towards the edge of the river. Don't fall in, I thought. But she kept laughing and stumbling even closer to it, and just as I thought, she fell in. SHIT!! I ran over to save her. I was totally irritated. Why did she do that? It almost seemed like she did it on purpose. I grabbed her and pulled her out of the river. It was so cold, I figured she HAD to be dead. There was no way she could be saved. I had no blanket. The water was slushy. She just laid there and I just stood there over her, pissed at her, thinking, WTF?!
Just when I think I have everything all good and under control. Just when I am at peace and proud of where I am and what I have become, there is still that crazy ass, out of control, out of touch, whimsy, whiney, fake, weird, silly, naïve, vain wacked out girl inside me that is going to somehow manage to drown herself in my emotions. Even though I had it all protected and blocked off, she managed to stumble her way into the tiniest little crevice and get herself hurt. For what? For my attention. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew she was going to fall in and she did. And then she consumed my attention.
I wish I could re-dream it. I wish I could have saved her and built the railing all the way to the end so she can never fall in again. I wish I had a blanket to wrap her up in. I wish I had revived her so I could tell her that it is all ok and I am sorry I didn’t catch her before she fell in. But I just gave up. I took one look at her and gave up. I didn’t even try. It was too cold. She would have died instantly from the shock. I was pissed. Fuckin bitch!! Why the fuck did you have to go and be such a dumb ass drunk stumbling around right by the fucking edge and fall in!? you fucking idiot!! I wanted to just let her die. I was tired of dealing with her. But she didn't die. She is a part of me. She is still alive, lying there cold and partially drowned. And I am still standing over her pissed at her about it.
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Your lower self will slither all around and do whatever it takes to get noticed and occupy your attention. It will find its way in. You have to control it. You have to guard it from taking you over. You can't kill it. It will never go away.
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