Being Alone

I’ve come to the realization that I am deathly afraid of being alone. I like to say I love being alone and I need tons of me-time, but this is a façade. In reality, I can’t stand being alone with my thoughts. Actually, I just can’t stand being with my thoughts. This is why I need to keep myself so busy doing activities that makes me feel good about myself. Why I need constant praise and attention. Why I obsessively-compulsively check my email. Why I need to talk on the phone while I drive. Why I hate sitting in a desk all day at work. I guess the things I do to prevent being left alone with my thoughts are not destructive, so that is good. I hate to clean because cleaning leaves me alone with my thoughts, and cleaning brings back such horrible thoughts into my head.

There is so much I have been denying for so long. I deny that I am still hurting. I deny that there is still so much work to be done. I deny that I berate myself. I have just been trying to fake it til I make it. There is always a wall I hit that says, “Face it, you will NEVER make it!” I am too scatterbrained, too unorganized, too unfocused, too emotional, too wishy washy. And most of all, I don’t believe in myself. I don’t TRULY believe in myself. I always need others to lift me up. And I push them away by constantly putting them in situations where I am fishing for their praise.

What the hell have I been doing?