I just totally figured out the Marisa Tomei Dream…

Update - This post is about a dream I had. I was wearing my black flece trench coat and walking alone on a crisp, cold, very still and silent night. It was snowing very lightly, the snowflakes like tiny down feathers fluttering from the sky. A soft blanket of twinkling snow covered the ground and reminded me of that fake snow-foam they wrap around the bottom of Christmas trees. I came to a large uncovered bridge that crossed over a river. I approached the railing and looked over the river. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. It literally took my breath. The river was lined with old-fashioned street lamps glowing gold. The river was filled almost to the top, almost overflowing. A hazy fog settled over the surface of the river. The river was incredibly still. It wasn't iced over, but I knew it was partially frozen. I was stunned at the awesomeness of it. Just then, I saw to my right, Marisa Tomei, dressed in an angel suit, stumbling around drunken down some stairs leading to the bridge. I saw that she was approaching a very small gap in the railing towards the edge of the river. Don't fall in, I thought. But she kept laughing and stumbling even closer to it, and just as I thought, she fell in. SHIT!! I ran over to save her. I was totally irritated. Why did she do that? It almost seemed like she did it on purpose. I grabbed her and pulled her out of the river. It was so cold, I figured she HAD to be dead. There was no way she could be saved. I had no blanket. The water was slushy. She just laid there and I just stood there over her, pissed at her, thinking, WTF?!

Just when I think I have everything all good and under control. Just when I am at peace and proud of where I am and what I have become, there is still that crazy ass, out of control, out of touch, whimsy, whiney, fake, weird, silly, naïve, vain wacked out girl inside me that is going to somehow manage to drown herself in my emotions. Even though I had it all protected and blocked off, she managed to stumble her way into the tiniest little crevice and get herself hurt. For what? For my attention. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew she was going to fall in and she did. And then she consumed my attention.

I wish I could re-dream it. I wish I could have saved her and built the railing all the way to the end so she can never fall in again. I wish I had a blanket to wrap her up in. I wish I had revived her so I could tell her that it is all ok and I am sorry I didn’t catch her before she fell in. But I just gave up. I took one look at her and gave up. I didn’t even try. It was too cold. She would have died instantly from the shock. I was pissed. Fuckin bitch!! Why the fuck did you have to go and be such a dumb ass drunk stumbling around right by the fucking edge and fall in!? you fucking idiot!! I wanted to just let her die. I was tired of dealing with her. But she didn't die. She is a part of me. She is still alive, lying there cold and partially drowned. And I am still standing over her pissed at her about it.

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Your lower self will slither all around and do whatever it takes to get noticed and occupy your attention. It will find its way in. You have to control it. You have to guard it from taking you over. You can't kill it. It will never go away.

Being Alone

I’ve come to the realization that I am deathly afraid of being alone. I like to say I love being alone and I need tons of me-time, but this is a façade. In reality, I can’t stand being alone with my thoughts. Actually, I just can’t stand being with my thoughts. This is why I need to keep myself so busy doing activities that makes me feel good about myself. Why I need constant praise and attention. Why I obsessively-compulsively check my email. Why I need to talk on the phone while I drive. Why I hate sitting in a desk all day at work. I guess the things I do to prevent being left alone with my thoughts are not destructive, so that is good. I hate to clean because cleaning leaves me alone with my thoughts, and cleaning brings back such horrible thoughts into my head.

There is so much I have been denying for so long. I deny that I am still hurting. I deny that there is still so much work to be done. I deny that I berate myself. I have just been trying to fake it til I make it. There is always a wall I hit that says, “Face it, you will NEVER make it!” I am too scatterbrained, too unorganized, too unfocused, too emotional, too wishy washy. And most of all, I don’t believe in myself. I don’t TRULY believe in myself. I always need others to lift me up. And I push them away by constantly putting them in situations where I am fishing for their praise.

What the hell have I been doing?

Beddy-bye time for little baby Henny

With your inner child comes the good and the bad, and you still love it regardless. Embrace the free spirited playful joyous passion your inner child gives you, but disregard her worries and fears. It is juvenile thinking and will only block you from moving forward. Separate your inner child’s fears and worries from your own logical adult fears and worries. Learn to tell the difference and learn to ignore the cries of your inner child. Put her in her crib. She will still cry and you will still have to hear it. But know it is unimportant BECAUSE... She isn’t physically alive. ;) And her concerns are survival-based. Trust that her cries will soon go away. DO NOT go check up on her, you will only wake her up. Don't even go near her door until you know she is definitely sound asleep.

Ugh, hangovers are just not worth it!

Sometimes my little cute birdy Ernie McCheeps bites me a little and I get scared of him for awhile. Thats what seems to be happening in my relationship with alcohol. Only, Ernie stops biting when I ignore it. But alcohol still bites every fucking time. Even if I only have a couple. Just not worth it any more it seems. It doesn't even taste good and I don't even like the feeling of being drunk. UGH! I hate it!!! So I guess this is about the age that people begin coming to terms with binge drinking. But I wouldn't even call it that anymore cuz I can barely handle any more than 2 drinks a night. Maybe I should just start drinking wine coolers again. HA!

Why I love Radiohead so much

Here is a little excerpt from my journal about Radiohead for those of you who will not be witnessing my speech on Thursday. If you are, you can still read this if you want or you can wait :)

“It’s Radiohead time again! Radiohead dreams. Radiohead skies. Radiohead sidewalks. Radiohead waters and eyes. When its Radiohead time, its like seeing an ominous wall cloud with a tornado forming. So much anticipation of how what you see before you will change you or affect you. Radiohead is needed in my life. Radiohead is my protector. It lets me be what I am, no matter what it is. nothing is too weird.

Radiohead helps me remember that, though I may feel like an alien, I am not the only one. Radiohead is the sound of what it would be like if everyone wished they could feel like they were aliens. The greatness of being so different and knowing. The beauty that is built from being cast off. Radiohead says, its ok. Be that. In fact, it’s the awesomest thing anyone could ever do.

And that you will not always succeed either. You will not always get it perfect. People will not always understand you. But if you give it your all, people will notice you and respect you for dishing out something no one ever expected. And if you allow yourself to shine, you are the brightest star of your kind. Let go and be whatever the weft of the world weaves you into. You hold a unique vivid light that no one else can possibly comprehend how to create. You can be just what the people need to get into that crevice they have been searching for.

Lego my Ego

I hate having this problem. But even more, I hate admitting I have it. At the same time, I am glad I can recognize it and admit it to myself. I have an ego inflation problem. I don't know if it is due to my upbringing or genetics, or just the way I am. But I sometimes get into this thing where I start to feel like I am better than others or more important than others. Like I know better than others. I start to care less about others and become more self-absorbed. It seems to happen when I am accomplishing my goals. When I am doing well.

The worst part is, I don't really know what is true. I don't know if I should say, Shame on me for thinking this way, of course I am no better than anyone else, who am I to tell people how to go about things? On the other hand, I feel like I have been blessed with a gift, an understanding of certain knowledge that I MUST MUST MUST deliver, and I have also been blessed with the talent to deliver it.

But maybe I am just being delusional?

It isn't that I think I deserve to be treated better than anyone else, but I do feel like I am wiser or something. But I feel like it is offensive for me to say this. I would never expect any better treatment than anyone else because of it. But I DO feel I need to make my own rules in life and people are just going to have to respect them if they are going to be in my life. I think one of those rules is that sometimes I need to have tons of self time. Sometimes I fall off the face of the planet. Anyone who has known me a long time has seen this. They also know that I am very much into this "ME" project. Sometimes I talk like I think I am some kind of prophet or something.

I think this is what my dad was feeling back in the day when he used to preach his new religion to people. But TELLING people they are on the wrong path and they need to follow the one he is on is not the way to go about it. What he should have done is SHOW them the path he is on and what it is done for him, and encourage others to find the path they resonate with as he does with that one. BUT I also don't think that is what he believes to be true. At least not at that time.

Growing up?

I had a dream last night I was trying to get on a plane for work and no one at the airport could tell me how much a ticket would cost. They seemed to think it was unimportant to tell me because I was just a kid. And I yelled, "I can hear you, I am not a kid I am nearly 30 years old!"

So much is on my mind lately. There is so much I am so close to doing. I can focus. But how much can I focus on it? I feel like some other areas of my life may need to suffer. For example, friends and leisure. I feel like I don't have time for this anymore. I don't have time to just hang out, especially if drinking is involved. I can't even enjoy it anymore. My mind is always somewhere else. I can't seem to enjoy regular old casual conversation. I am simply not interested in talking about a lot of the things people typically talk about. Maybe I am being pretentious, but I think it is more just that my mind is wanting to focus only on these certain things and that is all.

I could benefit from disciplining my mind a little better. There is nothing wrong with discussing normal everyday things. I can discuss the things I am working on with others. Some may not care, but some will. I am still battling this concern for what others think about what I am doing and whether or not they believe in me. What about how much I care about what THEY are working on? I find myself always wanting to push people to follow their dreams, but they usually have excuses. Is it my place to tell them to stop making excuses and reach for what they want? If not me, who will? Why can't I be that person? So what if they don't like it? At least it will get them to think about it. I am afraid to make this part of my persona. It is innately who I am. I know I pushed it away a long time ago because I was pushing people away. I found people didn't like to be told they are not doing a good job and getting what they want out of life. But you know what? If it pushes them away, I simply don't talk about it that much to them. Or I can tone it down. I can learn to read when people want to talk about it.

Also, I can feel less guilty about how I spend my social and leisure time if I set certain times per day to work and focus on those things. That way I won't feel like I am wasting precious time on useless matters. Those things are important. It is good to have friends and leisure. I can still try to get some "me" time in the morning. That is easy because Matt is still sleeping. I wonder if I would get up at 5am just to do some writing and speech practice. I can start at 6 and work my way to earlier I suppose...

So am I growing up? Well of course. Everyone always is all the time. It happens, and it is a good thing. Out with the old, in with the new. People think of wrinkles as old, but when they happen they are actually new. A new mark of wisdom and experience and character. So my stomach can't handle getting obliterated on weekends anymore. So I don't feel like talking about stupid nonsense anymore. So I don't like to hear people whine about how they can't get what they want. This is just me becoming more me.