My only obstacle is fear.

I know I said this would not be a journal-like blog, but what can I say. I feel like writing and I can't come up with anything to write except a journal-like entry. I have come to a couple conclusions about my writing, speaking, work and goals and stuff. I am trying to let go of everything I try to MAKE it, and let it all jsut be what it is. That is very vague, I know. But I want to see what just comes from me naturally instead of trying to make myself to something naturally. Because, then it wouldn't really be natural. It is kind of hard to draw the line though, between letting it flow naturally and not doing anything at all. Somehow, my mind is exploding again with ideas. I want to focus on Toastmasters, but my brain is telling me its overwhelming and unrealistic. I am beginning to think that just about anything I try to set my mind to is going to seem overwhelming and unrealistic. After all, I was trained to believe that I will never amount to anything. UNLESS, I analyze constantly and finally come up with a solution to my problems. If I don't do that and follow it, I am only headed for disaster. I need to stop this type of thinking.

First, I CAN focus. on anything I want.

Second, I CAN accomplish it. and it is not really even that hard. I just have to focus.

Third, baby steps.

Fourth, I need to own my dream. I cannot be ashamed of it. Why am I ashamed of it? Because it seems like such a super far-fetched reality. Because I don't want to be like Tony Robbins, and I don't want people to think of that when I tell them my dream. I want people to believe in me and I am afraid I will only be laughed at or discouraged. I know I believe in myself, so I keep it to myself. But if I only keep it to myself, my dream will only come true in my own mind.

The thought of announcing myself as an aspiring motivational speaker is terrifying. I don't know why its so important for me to have people to be just as enthusiastic about my goals as I am. I feel like I should change the name of it to something more like "insightful guide", but that sounds pretty lame too. i seem to have this ongoing shamefulness about my interest in the self help world. Probably because the reason I got into it in the first place was because I was told that something was wrong with me that needed to be fixed.

The weird thing is, when I picture myself as totally successful at this, it seems very realistic and I would be very happy doing it. And the path to getting there doesnt even seem that hard or long. My only obstacle is fear. A Mount Everest of fear. And doubt. And weird mysterious shame that doesn't make sense. It's just because of the image of self-help and motivational speaking. In all honesty, I don't really want to be a motivational speaker. What I have to speak about is not about motivation. I don't want to really urge people to action. I want to envoke amazing realizations in people. I want them to think for themselves and live their own dreams because they thought of it themselves. And all I do is tell them they CAN think of it. I merely remind them that they are capable of it.

First I have to own it. I want to be a speaker and a writer. Backtrack for a moment..... I thought about one detail, my shame with self-help. People love to make fun of or think negatively about self-help. What the hell is wrong with self help? Why not? The world of psychiatry these days is a load of crap. Its all about medication and talking about your sorry ass past. And who on earth seriously feels totally sane and great and confident their whole entire lives? If everyone that didn't feel totally 100% all the time went to a shrink, half the world's population would be a shrink because we would all need one. Why self help? Because it is an inexpensive and more sensitive alternative to developing your psyche the way you want it to develop. Why do people love to hate self help? Because they hate the thought of admitting to themselves that they might need "help". To a majority of people, admitting you need help means admitting you are crazy or sick or weak. Most people do not want to do that. But in reality, self-help is not that at all. Self-help is for those who realize they can be stronger, bolder, happier, more efficient, make more difference whatever. They know they can always do better, they can always continue to learn and grow. It isn't easy to just have such amazing realizations on your own. At times, many normal people ask such vague and meaningful questions as, why am I here? What is this life all about? Am I really happy? That is where it begins. It doesn't mean you are crazy. It just means you want more, you want answers, you want experience. You don't want vanilla all your life, you want a freakin chocolate covered strawberry cheesecake. And who wouldn't?! So, why self help? Cuz shrinks suck. And the only path to real satisfaction is by diving in deep and finding out what it is you really really want so you can HAVE it.