Time to face the facts.

Beacause the facts REALLY need to be faced. The fact of the matter is:

I DO NOT CARE TO CREATE FICTION.

I think that maybe I have not really been suffering from writer's block for 10 years. Maybe I just don't write fiction because, the fact is, I DON'T WRITE FICTION. I've always preferred factual stuff - movies that are true stories, real stories about real people. I love truth. I believe wholeheartedly in truth and reality. I love to help people see the truth and reality. And I so very easily and joyfully write about truth and reality. It is not a forced thing. I do not have to try. It is good and simple and natural and fun.

Writing fiction feels the same as trying to write a song. I have an idea in my head of what an awesome song or story would be, but I can't fathom one bit how to get it out into tangible, audible, or just visible stuff. I can't form it into something real. A lot of what blocks me is the thought, This is nothing new, and no matter what I create, it will never be something new. It is simply the truth.

Writing about reality though, is not new or old. It just simply is, and it always will just simply be. I am sure there are philosophical arguments to this. But that's my story and I'm stickin' to it! ;)

Some poetry

I found some poetry I wrote a long ass time ago. I will share some because some of them are pretty wild. I have no idea what this was about and I can't believe I wrote it. It is TOTALLY NOT my style. I think I wrote it in '97. A junior or senior in high school.

"The Covetousness Bigotry"

This courtly ray in lovely light,
it tumbled out of night.
With visions branded so clear
and neither decides to which he is near.

the ringing in his ears,
"So go!" says he, says he,
and spells his heart out to plea
"I shine as gold, and I am not worthy of me."
They spoke no sound, his words alone
as he was overthrown
"May God be sanctified in me."

So shall the allegory begin,
beneath our unconditioned skin
among the wise,
and so we fail to recognize
let it seethe into us well,
rust in blankly written burning spell
and may you trample over daisies
as we live and learn and die.

"Amongst my nectars, I was born to be the first.
So say I was cursed, you Thumbelina mime," says she.
"As long as starlight twinkles three,
Let my heaven carry me,
and thus I say...
such manly a galaxy shall sweep me away."
Woe,
lest not be conveyed,
and never yet dismayed.
To such a ponder, cold predestiny awakens
and sleeps, this guile taken,
and weeps, never to be born.

And about face,
we strove yonder The Hill
with every moment can she fill...

"Oh, flesh,
On what have I no dynamo to rest?"
The woman's wings cross her chest,

"For what I see, can I throw aside,
this chauvenist, my bride!
And alone, the reckless pain,
shall I rest her soul in vain?" he spake,
and lest, his earth did shake.
"But mercy me!
Not am I for a dream!
And this love bouts my heart to burst
as I lay sick and submersed;
a hungry child at best,
for she, and all the rest,
I soon for the self-loving hand of I,
shall surrender.
And for her vain prosperity Lord,
she hast thrown aboard,
I too, for she,
shall surrender..."

So uhhh....... does anyone know what the hell this poem is about?????!!!

Feel free to steal my idea.

I love finding jobs for people. I love to do it in my spare time. I love to ask everyone what they want to do in their lives and try to help them find the avenues to get there. I love helping them fix up a kick ass resume and cover letter, helping them find the best places to look for jobs, doing research about the best ways for applicants to apply, and the strongest things to say in interviews. I love researching all that and helping people with all that. I believe EVERYONE can do what they love in life, and there is a way for everyone. It is not always easy, and it is DEFINITELY not always fast. Even if you are the smartest and awesomest person in the world.

I would love to start an organization for people in need of job hunting assistance. This program would promote 3 things:

1. Discouraging dependence on government funding, both in business and at home (welfare).
2. Encouraging self sufficiency through utilization of one's personal skills and talents.
3. Providing education, coaching and assistance to job seekers free of charge.

The way this would work is, job seekers join the organization for free. The organization is run by 100% volunteers. Not one single person gets a salary. Any expenses the organization needs in order to run adequately is funded by the sales of products and services created/provided by the job seekers who join. So, say Andy was just laid off from his job where he worked for 20 years. He has one work related skill - boxing TV sets. He has no idea how to find a job or even attemp to try finding one. He needs help. He also needs some income in the meantime. So Andy joins the organization free of charge. But there is a catch - Andy must provide some product or service that can be sold through the organization. Andy has always enjoyed carving wooden knives. So he provides this. Whenever someone buys one of Andy's hand-carved wooden knives, the revenue is split 50/50 between Andy and the organization. That way he can make some extra cash, and pay his way for the service and assistance he is getting in finding a new job. There are several members. Lisa makes her famous homemade banana pecan muffins. Sally gives haircuts. Jake designs websites. This would encourage people to focus on their skills and strengths and stay positive. I think it would be cool. So if you are going to steal this idea from me, please just tell me where to go to volunteer.

Can't sleep anymore again.

Too many ideas I don't want to tell to go away. Way too exciting of stuff. I already think it all, all day long, but it never wants to stop. It never will until I act on it. Until I bring it into fruition. But it is just too much stuff. I always need one more thing. Something better than what I already have. Some new skill or tool. Money is not even the object anymore. Time is not the object. Energy is not the object. It is still just fear. Fear that I will complete it and present it and no one will want it. Fear of finding out that I really do need a 4-year degree before I can make it.

What is that thing? Why did she do it like that? Doesn't she know that is not how you are supposed to do it? Does she really think that looks good?

I have weird ass taste. I think things are awesome when most people think it's fucked up. I think things are beautiful that most people find ugly or sad or terrifying. I understand things that most people think is psychotic or totally off the wall. In this world where the puzzle of beauty seems to have scattered its pieces all over the place, I can see where they fit together. I know how the sand is connected to the stars, then to the oceans and the trees and the shadows and lungs and grasses and then the sand again. I know what it all means for me. I need to show it to you all. But its like trying to start a new language to teach everyone. Who would even want to learn? I always hope that deep down everyone already feels that language inside that they want to learn. But maybe not. Maybe I really do just have weird ass taste that no one cares to understand.

Gotta make it happen

When I get home, I have to find time to be creative. I absoluely have to devote time to it, and I must produce real stuff. No more of this producing a zillion half-complete projects shit. I have about 100 or so half-complete awesome ideas laying around, but half-complete, they are worth nothing. Not even sentimental value.

I have inner obstacles I need to face. I know why I can't find time. Actually, finding time is not my real problem. The real problem is completing things. I can't complete stuff because of my expectations, and the expectations that I assume others have of me. I have a plan of what to do with everything. I know exactly what I have to do, how to do it, how long it will take, how much it will cost and where the money will come from. I really love to say I am too busy. But I am really just too afraid.

"Don't be afraid, Jen, you can do it!" I know, I know. Thanks for the pep talk. That doesn't seem to get through my thick and stubborn skull.

In reality, at the very depths of my heart, I am afraid that I will find that being creative will not gain me any more love. I think, when it comes to love and acceptance, being liked and respected, I will never get enough. I wonder if that is how it is for everyone. That is what I ultimately want and what I have always longed for. For the longest time, I sought it out in the form of a romantic partner. Now I have found one that totally fulfills me with tons of love and respect, in a way I could ave never imagined. And I still feel I need more. I feel I will not be satisfied until every person in the world knows me and loves me and adores me. And I seem to think I can achieve that by weaving scarves? Writing novels? Drawing pictures? No matter what I do, I will always have those who love me and those who don't. In fact, the more there are that love me, the more there will ultimately be that don't. I have a hope and fear of fame.

Everything I do is frantically seeking love and acceptance. It makes me crazy. A year or so ago I decided to accept that I will never fully attain the amount of love that I seek. It is impossible.

What would I want to do with my life if no one ever noticed or cared?

weave draw and write still, just because I love doing them. I suppose.

Vacation Coming

Using this blog for my class last semester totally killed my desire to blog here. Oh well, here I am again. I have had tond of ideas to blog about, but just didn't feel like doing it.

In a week I will be on vacation for 10 days and I am taking my fantabulous little laptop with me everywhere I please. I cannot wait. I keep thinking, when I am in San Francisco, exploring on my own while Matt is expo-ing, I am gonna do this and that and think about this and try to find people to talk to about that, etc... Screw it all. I just want to do whatever I feel like doing at the moment. I do hope though, that I decide I feel like working on my book.

My book is so at the tip of my tongue right now!! Its current state is that of a downloading movie, almost finished, but has already started playing. Soon, it will be fully downloaded into my brain and thoroughly ready to present itself through my hand and onto a written surface for people's eyes to piece together the words and plant into the screens of their imaginations. It is going to be great. I know this because I did not even think of it. It came to me from the sky. Its like its asking me to write it. And this message of a story has chosen me because it represents my perception of myself. Therefore, I understand it best. It is kind of for that reason that I fear my story is unoriginal. It just feels too comfortable and normal to me.

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Natasha Powers - Able to Breathe.